such a compilation.

hello readers. how’ve you been?

here I am again, it’s been a minute. I’ve been struggling to find interesting topics to write about so I figured right about now I would just start writing and stop worrying about if it’s interesting or too honest or any other thing I fear my writing may or may not be.

so maybe i’ll start a new series on here: honesty hour. the stuff I think a lot of people relate to but don’t want to talk about. let’s do this.

as I approach my senior year in high school I find that nearly everywhere I go someone is asking me what I want to do after high school, where I want to go, what my options are, etc etc. and it could literally drive me insane. it’s got me thinking though that we should stop telling people what they want to hear to avoid awkward silence.

because what I want to do, where I want to go is not a place or a career or a major. people keep telling me I have time to figure things out but I don’t need time to know where my heart is and always has been. this isn’t about college or adulthood, it’s about the fact that too many people think they’re confused because they’re looking for answers outside themselves.

I don’t need a college or a teacher to tell me that it is in my heart to help people. I am not looking for confirmation of my belief that what I have experienced in my life must be used for greater good. where I go, physically, will not change any of that.

everybody is lost at some point, whether you’re 16 or 67. but home base is your passion. some people don’t know what theirs is but everyone have one. I think a lot of us are scared to admit that we have a love for and are drawn to a path far from that anyone has laid for us.

I think the bottom line is that you know yourself better than anyone else. maybe you have to look a little deeper but there is something that gets you out of bed in the morning, figure it out and grab onto it because at the end of the day, at the end of your life or however you would like to put it, it’s just you that’s gonna wish you had gone after your heart.

I believe serving others is powerful, but acting to please others will destroy you.

so excuse me for being blunt, but screw everyone telling you that you were cut out for one specific path or career or lifestyle.

what about you? what do you think you’re supposed to do?

don’t get me wrong, thank God we have people around us who support us and advise us, but sometimes you have to respectfully tune them out and narrow your eyes onto your soul and your passion. what you’re meant for is a compilation of everything you’ve seen and experienced. through your own eyes. the eyes no one else has or ever will see through.

so take that, take the way you feel about everything that’s ever happened to you. notice what makes you hurt and what makes you laugh and figure out what that means for you.

it’s all you. you got this.

much love,

claire

“you know you are doing well when you lose the interest of looking back.”

exterior.

sat down to write, found this in my drafts and I still find myself living it.

my thoughts lately:

they don’t see past the exterior.

they don’t see what happened to you yesterday or last week or 6 years ago.

they don’t see what you’ve fought for and what you’ve fallen for.

they don’t see who’s hurt you or who’s loved you or who’s lost you.

they don’t know how you cope when you’re alone or why you choose not to talk sometimes.

they’ll never know what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling.

they will judge you for your actions because that don’t understand the motives behind your reactions.

they will try to tell you who you are and what you act like, what you believe and why it’s wrong or right, who you spend time with and whether or not they are good people for you.

they will act like they know your life and have you figured out better than you do yourself.

what’s most frustrating is that they can’t be convinced. they will stand on their pedestal and shake their head.

that doesn’t make your pain any less valuable or who you are any less capable. do not justify their opinions. do not look for approval in people who pretend like you will somehow be able to gain it.

because they try to put you into a tiny box over and over again.

I’m starting to learn that it’s okay.

maybe we should avoid the anger and the grudges and laugh at their obliviousness.

because personally I find it funny, how quick to assume some people are; quick to assume they know us without making any effort to.

they’re not worth your time. and that is something I am learning to tell myself.

claire.

why i write; take two.

Hey everyone.

I have been told a few times that I write about sad things or have been asked to write “something happy”. I have an explanation for that comment, actually.

I write for many reasons (see my post “why I write” here). Writing is an art form and as much as it is an expression, it is a release. I like to write about things that make me happy and that make me full inside. I also write to rid myself of the tangled thoughts in my head. If I can get it on paper I can process it. If I can write a letter to someone who hurt me and not have to ever send it, I can let go of a grudge. If I am angry about the things I see and hear, I can more deeply explain it and that will free me of anger.

Writing is like therapy. You can explain your thoughts and ideas as if you’re telling someone. You can tell them why you’re hurt and why you can’t sleep at night or why you have a hard time talking to people or why you just want to be somewhere else with different people.

Paper and empty documents show no judgement. And as you release you begin to understand why what is is. So I guess in a way you become your own therapist? If we’re getting technical, writing models “self talk”. If you walk away from a conversation angry, think “how would I write about that?”. You can say anything you wish you would’ve and maybe you’ll begin to understand better why a certain person or a certain sentence would pierce so deep.

So yes, many days I write about sad things. That does not make me a sad person. I just write to let go and there’s a lot of joy I don’t express simply because I want to hold onto it.

Much love,

claire.

my happy.

hello readers.

my sister told me i should write something happy; que this post.

it’s become quite easy for me to revert to a rather negative perspective, but that’s something i’ve already gone into and will continue with. i can best sum it up with one quote: “it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”

maybe you know some about me from this blog but i want to take this oppurtunity to share more.

i consider myself a relatively happy person and i have many reasons to be happy.

i have been blessed with people who truly care about me and that is more than i could ever ask for.

there are specific things that ignite more joy in me than the average.

i love pictures. of anything really. i look at the pictures i take on a daily basis and value them more than any materialism in my life. i like to see other people’s lives captured from across the states settling in my own lap. i like seeing how people change over time. i like how for a moment we could freeze a memory and a photo can take us back. i’m a fan of nostalgia, so maybe that’s why i love my camera.

i love music and i believe it has healing powers. i don’t sleep at night without it, i don’t start my day without something ringing in my ears. i crave music. of any and all sorts and my library is quite varied; some people have found it comical. i don’t think it’s possible to feel completely alone in life because if all else fails we still have the music. people may come and go (there’s a song for that) but people will also keep writing lyrics and for that i am grateful.

i love people. a lot, a lot. i am both intriqued and completely irritated with humanity. i am interested in people who have been successful and those who feel like failures. i want to know why people believe what they do and what they think of themselves and others. i like to talk to people. i like honest people, straightforward ones who don’t sugarcoat things. i like to see people get mad about things they care about and fight for themselves. i can trust those people easily. with every person i meet i learn more about myself. that’s important.

i love writing. so much. when i write i feel alive. because even if i am writing about darkness or sadness or whatever i may be feeling, it becomes beautiful on paper. writing helps me cope with things, it helps me process things and promotes a lot more thinking. i am me when i write. i feel most honest and real. i hate having to explain myself to people and sometimes i just want to hand them one of my journals because i think that would clear up everything. i can only explain myself in writing. this is me. maybe slightly pessimistic, but aware of the darkness and trying to make something beautiful of it. i think of writing as my lifeline. it’s carried me through everything. i always go to it and have for the longest time, just naturally. if i could give anyone advice on anything it would be to write. don’t hold back and don’t be afraid of the words that may gather on the page. writing is good. so good. i will spend the rest of my life writing and that is a fact.

so that’s my happy; just a sliver of it. what’s yours?

love,

claire

happy and other thoughts.

hello readers:

have you ever felt like your “present” was permanent?

have you ever wondered why clocks tick so slow and why certain memories never leave us?

have you ever asked yourself why you were holding on to someone who let go of you a while ago?

people always say that “time heals all wounds” but it doens’t seem to fast enough.

it is true that you never know what you have until it’s gone because some days it seems like you’re comfortable and happy and maybe you even feel like whoever is in your life is the best yet.

and then life spins the table and offers us a new journey that seems exciting and rare and we look to the future while we’re still in the present and then the future comes along and we go into this gloom because we didn’t embrace people when we had them next to us. we didn’t hug and cry. didn’t take chances because there would always be another time. didn’t say things we wanted to say.

so that’s regret right?

i have decided that time goes by too fast. and i don’t like it at all.

just when i think i have a handle on things it seems like the stability comes crashing down around my face and blocks my eyes from looking forward.

i don’t know where i’m going with all of this but maybe that’s the point. i have a really hard time understanding things lately. i can’t say i know where i’m supposed to be or who i’m supposed to be there with.

i search for clarity in everything. i search for meaning. i seek the future; a fresh slate. i seek passion and opputunity.

i struggle to pull myself back in…with my head looking over my shoulder.

it always seem like there couldn’t have been someone better.

there couldn’t have been a better place or oppurtunity.

it was so good for so long and here we are now.

you convince yourself that you had it all in a single instant and it vaporized into thin air. and it’s kind of like, man where do i belong?

my mom once asked me what my definition of success was. i responded with something about just finishing highschool and then college. i paused and added “because after all that, i know i will be happy. and i will be making other people happy.”

i treat my future like i know it will be better. like one day some where out there is this perfect life full of content inside of me; so abundant it goes overflowing into other people. like one day i will know i am right where i am supposed to be and i will be happy.

but i think i’ve got it all wrong. i think i’ve got the wrong definition of happy. because happy doesn’t mean “painless”. happy doesn’t mean “complete peace”. happy doesn’t mean “perfect”. happy doesn’t mean i will have everything i ever dreamed i would and i think that’s why i’m struggling to find content. because content is happy to me. but maybe we should rewrite what “happy” is.

happy is in the struggle.

happy is finding out what is worth fighting for.

happy is leaving people because they don’t treat you how you deserve to be treated.

happy is being sad to leave people and places. because they gave you something worth missing.

happy is hope.

that someday you will meet better people.

and a few worse ones on the way.

that there’s better things ahead.

that the little things won’t matter as much to you anymore.

happy is making a promise to yourself.

that you’ll read more books and listen to happier music.

that you’ll cry sometimes, but leave it at that when it’s done.

that you’ll let people criticize you for your dreams and go for them anyways.

promise you won’t be too hard on yourself if you fail.

promise that you’ll trust people even if you have no reason to.

that you won’t close off and into the shadows.

promise that you won’t settle.

don’t settle.

“i hope when you take that jump you don’t fear the fall. hope when the water rises you’ve built a wall. hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screamin your name. hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay. i hope that you fall in love and it hurts so bad, the only way you can know is give it all you have. i hope that you don’t suffer but take the pain.”

good luck.

claire.

 

inevitable

hello readers.

goodbyes are hard and I think that’s why so many people are afraid of change.

we are constantly looking to connect with others and in most situations do so quite quickly. where we choose to spend most of our time is where we grow roots. that always happens even if we resist it at first.

moving from place to place feels as though it’s ripping those roots out and replanting them. then we eventually grow new roots but it seems like they are again ripped out. too quickly.

so maybe that’s why we’re more likely to get stuck in a rut. it’s easier and so much less painful.

becoming attached to certain people or places seems like such a doomed situation. because let’s be real, everyone either leaves or moves on at some point. nothing is permanent. it’s actually inevitable. I don’t know how to accept that.

i don’t know how to leave people and memories behind. i don’t want to have to choose to not think about them. I like my choices and I like the people and places I’ve got to know because of them. but I think after I leave one of those situations, I don’t know I become bitter for a while. because it’s like, I had to leave those people behind. I have to start over with new ones. and I want the old ones back.

say you do return to them. it can never be the same as it was before. you can only be dug up and replanted so many times.

“it’s good to have roots somewhere.” I was told once. I think my roots spread far though. across to many places and people and that can be straining on me. but like I said, change is hard. goodbyes are hard.

goodbyes are inevitable.

you’re not alone in this.

claire.

assumption.

Hello readers.

I wrote this amidst a lot going on a while ago. thought I’d post it now because I think some of you could relate. .

I am so sick of assumptions.

I am so tired of having people try to tell me who I am.

What I believe.

Whether that is right or wrong.

What my morals are.

Whether they are based on truth or lies.

What I stand for.

Whether it is shallow or worth dying for.

I’m tired of hearing that the people I spend time with are a certain way or that who I am does not fit who they are.

I’m tired of people who see me through a very public lens pretending that they know who I am.

I am more than my exterior self.

If I choose not to fight, that does not mean I cannot stand for anything.

If I choose to be quiet, I am not submissive or shy.

If I have been through hardship that does not make me weak even though it may have changed me.

My past does not define me; if it ever did I could not change it.

So do not judge me for who I am, I will not change for you.

Do not tell me if my reaction to situations is correct, I am strong enough to make my own choices.

So are you.

Do not let people who take up such a small portion of your life make you think twice about who you are.

Those people are not worth your time.

So turn around. Walk the other way. Do not explain yourself.

There is no need.

Because some people choose to be blind and judgmental because they are avoiding reality. You should not waste your time trying to convince them that they are wrong because they will not listen.

That doesn’t change the fact that it hurts. It hurts to hear people “evaluate” your worth by their assumptions. It hurts feeling like your voice can’t be heard. It hurts wanting to be accepted by certain people for reasons you don’t know and having them judge you instead.

So the next time you make an assumption about someone, think again and ask yourself: do I know them? Because you probably don’t.

claire.

the gray area.

hello readers.

i still am appalled sometimes at the society we are brought up in.

we are taught from a young age that how well we do in school is what defines the rest of our lives and whether or not we are worth anything at all.

money is a prize waved in front our faces like a tease.

relationships are only temporary and God is just a back-up plan.

i see it in the people i go to school with. tired and worn down because their parents are disappointed in themselves for marrying too soon or not attending a high class university and they are expected to change the meaning of their last name.

i see it in people in the news and who star in movies. the cost of a few drinks is worth more than their own value of life.

i see it in kids who had to grow up too fast. facing fear and uncertainty on a daily basis. from house to house, mom to dad or whoever that even is.

people who live infinitely but fear death more than anything. and then it’s over and their family has to read the letters and pay the debt literally and metaphorically and clean up the sharp pieces and the court cases and the trash and spend the rest of their life wishing they had been able to do something to fix the brokenness.

we are taught to live in such a way that leaves a legacy of secrecy and regret because after a while none of it feels good enough. nothing we can do after a while will satisfy the craving to fit into the mold the world has given us of “good enough” or “smart enough” or “stable enough”.

it’s time to get real.

because school shouldn’t leave us scared for the future.

money shouldn’t lead us to believe materialism will stuff a gap closed.

kids shouldn’t be uncomfortable in their own homes.

people shouldn’t feel like giving up is their only option.

because it never is.

we have just been taught that life is so very black and white.

it’s not.

find the gray area. your gray area.

claire.

 

 

entitled.

hello readers.

i have come to the consensus that we have entitlement issues.

i say that in the most literal yet metaphorical way.

yes there is the teenage boys who feel entitled to you phone number.

the men who become abusive in their demand of knowing your everyday conversations and encounters.

there are girls who become jealous all too quickly and women who believe their gender is a card they can pull in any and all situations.

i think this stems from what we know to be true.

we feel entitled to respect.

love.

loyalty.

those are all good things. setting high standards is always a good thing, and please never settle.

where we go wrong is when we start to feel entitled to a person who doesn’t exist or an expectation that is unrealistic. we create scenarios in our head with scripts of what we think people should say to us. how they should treat us. how they should show us they love us. and when they don’t follow script, it’s wrong.

we aren’t perfect people so why do we expect others to be exactly what we cut them out to be?

i have come to believe that entitlement stems from insecurity.

there are parts of us that doubt. everything. when people tell you they love you, some will doubt it. when they say you’re beautiful, some think it’s a lie. when we begin to believe in our own worth we shoot ourselves down again.

because we’re scared that if we don’t hold on tight enough we might lose someone in the process.

well maybe if you need to hold on so tight it’s not worth it.

is it?

claire.

the torture

hello readers.

so i am a dreamer.

in more ways than one, but more literally i have dreams every single night.

and oddly enough, i die in the end of probably more than 50% of them.

i wake up scared half to death (no pun intended) sometimes but i have found a reoccurring pattern in most of them.

i nearly always die in the process of saving someone else, most of the time children.

i’ve kind of come to embrace this. the dream, really nightmare, is terrifying. especially the fact that many children go out with me. but honestly, how cool is that? i can wake up- alive- and ponder the fact that my conscience thought i died and i did while trying to defend the defenseless; kids.

as much as i hope i am never put in such a situation, i think part of my brain tries to torment a soft spot in my heart where my passion to help little kids lies. it’s something to think about. we are likely to always be attacked when we are weak, stabbed where we are already wounded, and hurt where it really counts.

i try to remind myself to embrace the fact that i am passionate about something enough that i would unconsciously lay down my life for it.

what would you do the same for?

claire.