the fear.

hi there.

my writing has been lacking lately, but there’s been one thing at the front of my mind that I would like to spill into this white box.

I recently finished reading Divergent, which I at first overlooked as a another over advertised teen craze but I was so wrong. Shout-out to Veronica Roth for messing with my head in the best way possible.

Roth talks about fear more than anything in this book. She focuses on characters who live in the “Dauntless” faction; a group of only the bravest, strongest, daring people. Their bravery is tested every time they are put in a fear simulation which simulates their greatest fears even they might not recognize. To escape their fear, Dauntless members have to gain control of their body and their heartbeat before the simulation stops and moves on to the next fear.

some Dauntless have 10 or 15 fears, but the rarest only have 4 or 5.

ever since I read Divergent I couldn’t help wondering what my fear simulation would be and how many?

I have many fears but I’m starting to realize they all stem from the fear of a lack of control.

I hate the idea that my body runs itself and could betray me at any point in time. I hate that the sun always goes down and I don’t have control over the darkness. I hate that there’s people in the world with the worst intentions and there’s nothing I can do about it. I hate only seeing today and not being able to prepare myself for what’s to come.

I have never had any desire for alcohol simply because I would never put anything in my body that might make me lose control of it. I have a hard time sleeping at night when I could be waking up within a matter of hours of less to a nightmare or a burglar alarm. small spaces make me nervous because I always need to know a way out in the circumstance that I have to take my fate into my own hands, when in reality, that’s impossible. I’d rather drive myself than be in a car with someone who just might put me in danger, but that’s ridiculous because within my own control I’m still always in danger.

it’s a tough reality ya know? that not only are our lives so fleeting, but that there’s virtually nothing we can do about it. it’d be easier not to think about that and shove it under the rug until something happens that gives us an excuse to shake our fists at God and say “why me?”.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully overcome the fear that I don’t have control of my body or the health of the people I care about most in this world. I tell myself life would be easier if I could see the grand plan of my existence and manipulate it to my liking, but there’s joy in spontaneity and being able to live in  a moment of stillness or run with the mentality that tomorrow may never come.

The Fear, by Ben Howard sums my thoughts up well:

I’ve been worryin’ that my time is a little unclear
I’ve been worryin’ that I’m losing the ones I hold dear
I’ve been worryin’ that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear

maybe overcoming our greatest fears is about become afraid of fear itself.

fear is crippling and preventing, the feeling of fear itself probably terrifies me more than anything. all my words are easier said than done, especially for myself. I don’t have control over what may happen to me within the next hour or year, but I do have choice. so when the sun is out I’m going to embrace it.

“fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up.”

-Veronica Roth

Best of luck on all your endeavors.



sat down to write, found this in my drafts and I still find myself living it.

my thoughts lately:

they don’t see past the exterior.

they don’t see what happened to you yesterday or last week or 6 years ago.

they don’t see what you’ve fought for and what you’ve fallen for.

they don’t see who’s hurt you or who’s loved you or who’s lost you.

they don’t know how you cope when you’re alone or why you choose not to talk sometimes.

they’ll never know what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling.

they will judge you for your actions because that don’t understand the motives behind your reactions.

they will try to tell you who you are and what you act like, what you believe and why it’s wrong or right, who you spend time with and whether or not they are good people for you.

they will act like they know your life and have you figured out better than you do yourself.

what’s most frustrating is that they can’t be convinced. they will stand on their pedestal and shake their head.

that doesn’t make your pain any less valuable or who you are any less capable. do not justify their opinions. do not look for approval in people who pretend like you will somehow be able to gain it.

because they try to put you into a tiny box over and over again.

I’m starting to learn that it’s okay.

maybe we should avoid the anger and the grudges and laugh at their obliviousness.

because personally I find it funny, how quick to assume some people are; quick to assume they know us without making any effort to.

they’re not worth your time. and that is something I am learning to tell myself.


what’s actually fair?

we are constantly surrounded by and polluted by anything and everything that is up for the debate of fairness.

things are never fair- and if they are to one they aren’t to another.

do we expect that overnight we will wake up and look outside and the sky will be everyone’s favorite color, our wallets will be full despite our different efforts, intentions will become black and white and those who have wronged us will be punished?

do we expect such peace that though we are all on different pages we can accept our own for itself in only its fairness?

that would mean everyone would lose someone they loved, everyone would fear for their own well being, everyone would experience violence, everyone would feel the utmost sadness. and the list goes on.

that would be fair, right?

or would it be more fair if everyone was surrounded by love and peace and everyone had a place to call home. that seems more fair.

but the idea of fairness is corrupted with the pure existence of free will.

with free will we must lose the possibility of our lives being fair.

“fairness” would take away individuality. no two people are alike, and neither are their journeys.

so may we not desire for our lives to be fair, but for the way we treat others to be just. let us not focus on what we don’t deserve or what others do, but what we have been entrusted to handle. may our view of fairness leave the eyes of the law and may we never blame.

for life is not fair. and if you think you will find peace in fairness, you are looking in all the wrong places.


why i write; take two.

Hey everyone.

I have been told a few times that I write about sad things or have been asked to write “something happy”. I have an explanation for that comment, actually.

I write for many reasons (see my post “why I write” here). Writing is an art form and as much as it is an expression, it is a release. I like to write about things that make me happy and that make me full inside. I also write to rid myself of the tangled thoughts in my head. If I can get it on paper I can process it. If I can write a letter to someone who hurt me and not have to ever send it, I can let go of a grudge. If I am angry about the things I see and hear, I can more deeply explain it and that will free me of anger.

Writing is like therapy. You can explain your thoughts and ideas as if you’re telling someone. You can tell them why you’re hurt and why you can’t sleep at night or why you have a hard time talking to people or why you just want to be somewhere else with different people.

Paper and empty documents show no judgement. And as you release you begin to understand why what is is. So I guess in a way you become your own therapist? If we’re getting technical, writing models “self talk”. If you walk away from a conversation angry, think “how would I write about that?”. You can say anything you wish you would’ve and maybe you’ll begin to understand better why a certain person or a certain sentence would pierce so deep.

So yes, many days I write about sad things. That does not make me a sad person. I just write to let go and there’s a lot of joy I don’t express simply because I want to hold onto it.

Much love,


my happy.

hello readers.

my sister told me i should write something happy; que this post.

it’s become quite easy for me to revert to a rather negative perspective, but that’s something i’ve already gone into and will continue with. i can best sum it up with one quote: “it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”

maybe you know some about me from this blog but i want to take this oppurtunity to share more.

i consider myself a relatively happy person and i have many reasons to be happy.

i have been blessed with people who truly care about me and that is more than i could ever ask for.

there are specific things that ignite more joy in me than the average.

i love pictures. of anything really. i look at the pictures i take on a daily basis and value them more than any materialism in my life. i like to see other people’s lives captured from across the states settling in my own lap. i like seeing how people change over time. i like how for a moment we could freeze a memory and a photo can take us back. i’m a fan of nostalgia, so maybe that’s why i love my camera.

i love music and i believe it has healing powers. i don’t sleep at night without it, i don’t start my day without something ringing in my ears. i crave music. of any and all sorts and my library is quite varied; some people have found it comical. i don’t think it’s possible to feel completely alone in life because if all else fails we still have the music. people may come and go (there’s a song for that) but people will also keep writing lyrics and for that i am grateful.

i love people. a lot, a lot. i am both intriqued and completely irritated with humanity. i am interested in people who have been successful and those who feel like failures. i want to know why people believe what they do and what they think of themselves and others. i like to talk to people. i like honest people, straightforward ones who don’t sugarcoat things. i like to see people get mad about things they care about and fight for themselves. i can trust those people easily. with every person i meet i learn more about myself. that’s important.

i love writing. so much. when i write i feel alive. because even if i am writing about darkness or sadness or whatever i may be feeling, it becomes beautiful on paper. writing helps me cope with things, it helps me process things and promotes a lot more thinking. i am me when i write. i feel most honest and real. i hate having to explain myself to people and sometimes i just want to hand them one of my journals because i think that would clear up everything. i can only explain myself in writing. this is me. maybe slightly pessimistic, but aware of the darkness and trying to make something beautiful of it. i think of writing as my lifeline. it’s carried me through everything. i always go to it and have for the longest time, just naturally. if i could give anyone advice on anything it would be to write. don’t hold back and don’t be afraid of the words that may gather on the page. writing is good. so good. i will spend the rest of my life writing and that is a fact.

so that’s my happy; just a sliver of it. what’s yours?



a cliche: life is hard

hello readers.

when i was in junior high, i had an older friend and we would talk a lot about life.

i would tell her about whatever was going on inside my head and out; what was bothering me and what was hurting me.

sometimes i would go on for a while and she would sit across from me and nod her head and just look at me and say “life is hard, isn’t it?”. i would nod and go on confused as to why she wouldn’t try to console me as i have always done in conversations with friends who are struggling.

i remember that whenever i feel fed up with the succession of my life. i try to sort things out often. i want to make sense of it all more than anything because it feels better when there’s an explanation for things and you know exactly why what is happening to you is happening.

life is so hard.

for everyone.

we need to remember that because i think we always look for the good to come when we are going through hard times and i can testify to the fact that things don’t always get better right away. and sometimes it seems like one hit after another and we just wait for it to end.

i’m learning to live through it. because there will always be something for me to pull out of my mind to make me depressed or angry about my current situation. we can’t always be sad knowing that it will end and then we will be happy and then we will feel better because i am so sorry, but it may take a while.

so we do our best. we find things that remind us that we are here for a reason even though being here is rough. we keep going. we don’t put things off because we think future situations will make things easier. we don’t wait for good timing because life has the worst timing of anything.

people leave when we have already become attached to them.

things fall apart as we have just pulled them together.

we recover just barely before getting hit again.

sometimes it all happens at once.

that’s rough.

i am so sorry because life is hard, isn’t it?

but we keep going because we can’t afford to wait for it to pass.

we keep going because life doesn’t stop for anyone.

good luck.



happy and other thoughts.

hello readers:

have you ever felt like your “present” was permanent?

have you ever wondered why clocks tick so slow and why certain memories never leave us?

have you ever asked yourself why you were holding on to someone who let go of you a while ago?

people always say that “time heals all wounds” but it doens’t seem to fast enough.

it is true that you never know what you have until it’s gone because some days it seems like you’re comfortable and happy and maybe you even feel like whoever is in your life is the best yet.

and then life spins the table and offers us a new journey that seems exciting and rare and we look to the future while we’re still in the present and then the future comes along and we go into this gloom because we didn’t embrace people when we had them next to us. we didn’t hug and cry. didn’t take chances because there would always be another time. didn’t say things we wanted to say.

so that’s regret right?

i have decided that time goes by too fast. and i don’t like it at all.

just when i think i have a handle on things it seems like the stability comes crashing down around my face and blocks my eyes from looking forward.

i don’t know where i’m going with all of this but maybe that’s the point. i have a really hard time understanding things lately. i can’t say i know where i’m supposed to be or who i’m supposed to be there with.

i search for clarity in everything. i search for meaning. i seek the future; a fresh slate. i seek passion and opputunity.

i struggle to pull myself back in…with my head looking over my shoulder.

it always seem like there couldn’t have been someone better.

there couldn’t have been a better place or oppurtunity.

it was so good for so long and here we are now.

you convince yourself that you had it all in a single instant and it vaporized into thin air. and it’s kind of like, man where do i belong?

my mom once asked me what my definition of success was. i responded with something about just finishing highschool and then college. i paused and added “because after all that, i know i will be happy. and i will be making other people happy.”

i treat my future like i know it will be better. like one day some where out there is this perfect life full of content inside of me; so abundant it goes overflowing into other people. like one day i will know i am right where i am supposed to be and i will be happy.

but i think i’ve got it all wrong. i think i’ve got the wrong definition of happy. because happy doesn’t mean “painless”. happy doesn’t mean “complete peace”. happy doesn’t mean “perfect”. happy doesn’t mean i will have everything i ever dreamed i would and i think that’s why i’m struggling to find content. because content is happy to me. but maybe we should rewrite what “happy” is.

happy is in the struggle.

happy is finding out what is worth fighting for.

happy is leaving people because they don’t treat you how you deserve to be treated.

happy is being sad to leave people and places. because they gave you something worth missing.

happy is hope.

that someday you will meet better people.

and a few worse ones on the way.

that there’s better things ahead.

that the little things won’t matter as much to you anymore.

happy is making a promise to yourself.

that you’ll read more books and listen to happier music.

that you’ll cry sometimes, but leave it at that when it’s done.

that you’ll let people criticize you for your dreams and go for them anyways.

promise you won’t be too hard on yourself if you fail.

promise that you’ll trust people even if you have no reason to.

that you won’t close off and into the shadows.

promise that you won’t settle.

don’t settle.

“i hope when you take that jump you don’t fear the fall. hope when the water rises you’ve built a wall. hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screamin your name. hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay. i hope that you fall in love and it hurts so bad, the only way you can know is give it all you have. i hope that you don’t suffer but take the pain.”

good luck.