my writing has been lacking lately, but there’s been one thing at the front of my mind that I would like to spill into this white box.
I recently finished reading Divergent, which I at first overlooked as a another over advertised teen craze but I was so wrong. Shout-out to Veronica Roth for messing with my head in the best way possible.
Roth talks about fear more than anything in this book. She focuses on characters who live in the “Dauntless” faction; a group of only the bravest, strongest, daring people. Their bravery is tested every time they are put in a fear simulation which simulates their greatest fears even they might not recognize. To escape their fear, Dauntless members have to gain control of their body and their heartbeat before the simulation stops and moves on to the next fear.
some Dauntless have 10 or 15 fears, but the rarest only have 4 or 5.
ever since I read Divergent I couldn’t help wondering what my fear simulation would be and how many?
I have many fears but I’m starting to realize they all stem from the fear of a lack of control.
I hate the idea that my body runs itself and could betray me at any point in time. I hate that the sun always goes down and I don’t have control over the darkness. I hate that there’s people in the world with the worst intentions and there’s nothing I can do about it. I hate only seeing today and not being able to prepare myself for what’s to come.
I have never had any desire for alcohol simply because I would never put anything in my body that might make me lose control of it. I have a hard time sleeping at night when I could be waking up within a matter of hours of less to a nightmare or a burglar alarm. small spaces make me nervous because I always need to know a way out in the circumstance that I have to take my fate into my own hands, when in reality, that’s impossible. I’d rather drive myself than be in a car with someone who just might put me in danger, but that’s ridiculous because within my own control I’m still always in danger.
it’s a tough reality ya know? that not only are our lives so fleeting, but that there’s virtually nothing we can do about it. it’d be easier not to think about that and shove it under the rug until something happens that gives us an excuse to shake our fists at God and say “why me?”.
I don’t think I’ll ever fully overcome the fear that I don’t have control of my body or the health of the people I care about most in this world. I tell myself life would be easier if I could see the grand plan of my existence and manipulate it to my liking, but there’s joy in spontaneity and being able to live in a moment of stillness or run with the mentality that tomorrow may never come.
The Fear, by Ben Howard sums my thoughts up well:
I’ve been worryin’ that my time is a little unclear
I’ve been worryin’ that I’m losing the ones I hold dear
I’ve been worryin’ that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear
maybe overcoming our greatest fears is about become afraid of fear itself.
fear is crippling and preventing, the feeling of fear itself probably terrifies me more than anything. all my words are easier said than done, especially for myself. I don’t have control over what may happen to me within the next hour or year, but I do have choice. so when the sun is out I’m going to embrace it.
“fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up.”
Best of luck on all your endeavors.