have you ever felt like your “present” was permanent?
have you ever wondered why clocks tick so slow and why certain memories never leave us?
have you ever asked yourself why you were holding on to someone who let go of you a while ago?
people always say that “time heals all wounds” but it doens’t seem to fast enough.
it is true that you never know what you have until it’s gone because some days it seems like you’re comfortable and happy and maybe you even feel like whoever is in your life is the best yet.
and then life spins the table and offers us a new journey that seems exciting and rare and we look to the future while we’re still in the present and then the future comes along and we go into this gloom because we didn’t embrace people when we had them next to us. we didn’t hug and cry. didn’t take chances because there would always be another time. didn’t say things we wanted to say.
so that’s regret right?
i have decided that time goes by too fast. and i don’t like it at all.
just when i think i have a handle on things it seems like the stability comes crashing down around my face and blocks my eyes from looking forward.
i don’t know where i’m going with all of this but maybe that’s the point. i have a really hard time understanding things lately. i can’t say i know where i’m supposed to be or who i’m supposed to be there with.
i search for clarity in everything. i search for meaning. i seek the future; a fresh slate. i seek passion and opputunity.
i struggle to pull myself back in…with my head looking over my shoulder.
it always seem like there couldn’t have been someone better.
there couldn’t have been a better place or oppurtunity.
it was so good for so long and here we are now.
you convince yourself that you had it all in a single instant and it vaporized into thin air. and it’s kind of like, man where do i belong?
my mom once asked me what my definition of success was. i responded with something about just finishing highschool and then college. i paused and added “because after all that, i know i will be happy. and i will be making other people happy.”
i treat my future like i know it will be better. like one day some where out there is this perfect life full of content inside of me; so abundant it goes overflowing into other people. like one day i will know i am right where i am supposed to be and i will be happy.
but i think i’ve got it all wrong. i think i’ve got the wrong definition of happy. because happy doesn’t mean “painless”. happy doesn’t mean “complete peace”. happy doesn’t mean “perfect”. happy doesn’t mean i will have everything i ever dreamed i would and i think that’s why i’m struggling to find content. because content is happy to me. but maybe we should rewrite what “happy” is.
happy is in the struggle.
happy is finding out what is worth fighting for.
happy is leaving people because they don’t treat you how you deserve to be treated.
happy is being sad to leave people and places. because they gave you something worth missing.
happy is hope.
that someday you will meet better people.
and a few worse ones on the way.
that there’s better things ahead.
that the little things won’t matter as much to you anymore.
happy is making a promise to yourself.
that you’ll read more books and listen to happier music.
that you’ll cry sometimes, but leave it at that when it’s done.
that you’ll let people criticize you for your dreams and go for them anyways.
promise you won’t be too hard on yourself if you fail.
promise that you’ll trust people even if you have no reason to.
that you won’t close off and into the shadows.
promise that you won’t settle.
“i hope when you take that jump you don’t fear the fall. hope when the water rises you’ve built a wall. hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screamin your name. hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay. i hope that you fall in love and it hurts so bad, the only way you can know is give it all you have. i hope that you don’t suffer but take the pain.”