why i write; take two.

Hey everyone.

I have been told a few times that I write about sad things or have been asked to write “something happy”. I have an explanation for that comment, actually.

I write for many reasons (see my post “why I write” here). Writing is an art form and as much as it is an expression, it is a release. I like to write about things that make me happy and that make me full inside. I also write to rid myself of the tangled thoughts in my head. If I can get it on paper I can process it. If I can write a letter to someone who hurt me and not have to ever send it, I can let go of a grudge. If I am angry about the things I see and hear, I can more deeply explain it and that will free me of anger.

Writing is like therapy. You can explain your thoughts and ideas as if you’re telling someone. You can tell them why you’re hurt and why you can’t sleep at night or why you have a hard time talking to people or why you just want to be somewhere else with different people.

Paper and empty documents show no judgement. And as you release you begin to understand why what is is. So I guess in a way you become your own therapist? If we’re getting technical, writing models “self talk”. If you walk away from a conversation angry, think “how would I write about that?”. You can say anything you wish you would’ve and maybe you’ll begin to understand better why a certain person or a certain sentence would pierce so deep.

So yes, many days I write about sad things. That does not make me a sad person. I just write to let go and there’s a lot of joy I don’t express simply because I want to hold onto it.

Much love,

claire.

my happy.

hello readers.

my sister told me i should write something happy; que this post.

it’s become quite easy for me to revert to a rather negative perspective, but that’s something i’ve already gone into and will continue with. i can best sum it up with one quote: “it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”

maybe you know some about me from this blog but i want to take this oppurtunity to share more.

i consider myself a relatively happy person and i have many reasons to be happy.

i have been blessed with people who truly care about me and that is more than i could ever ask for.

there are specific things that ignite more joy in me than the average.

i love pictures. of anything really. i look at the pictures i take on a daily basis and value them more than any materialism in my life. i like to see other people’s lives captured from across the states settling in my own lap. i like seeing how people change over time. i like how for a moment we could freeze a memory and a photo can take us back. i’m a fan of nostalgia, so maybe that’s why i love my camera.

i love music and i believe it has healing powers. i don’t sleep at night without it, i don’t start my day without something ringing in my ears. i crave music. of any and all sorts and my library is quite varied; some people have found it comical. i don’t think it’s possible to feel completely alone in life because if all else fails we still have the music. people may come and go (there’s a song for that) but people will also keep writing lyrics and for that i am grateful.

i love people. a lot, a lot. i am both intriqued and completely irritated with humanity. i am interested in people who have been successful and those who feel like failures. i want to know why people believe what they do and what they think of themselves and others. i like to talk to people. i like honest people, straightforward ones who don’t sugarcoat things. i like to see people get mad about things they care about and fight for themselves. i can trust those people easily. with every person i meet i learn more about myself. that’s important.

i love writing. so much. when i write i feel alive. because even if i am writing about darkness or sadness or whatever i may be feeling, it becomes beautiful on paper. writing helps me cope with things, it helps me process things and promotes a lot more thinking. i am me when i write. i feel most honest and real. i hate having to explain myself to people and sometimes i just want to hand them one of my journals because i think that would clear up everything. i can only explain myself in writing. this is me. maybe slightly pessimistic, but aware of the darkness and trying to make something beautiful of it. i think of writing as my lifeline. it’s carried me through everything. i always go to it and have for the longest time, just naturally. if i could give anyone advice on anything it would be to write. don’t hold back and don’t be afraid of the words that may gather on the page. writing is good. so good. i will spend the rest of my life writing and that is a fact.

so that’s my happy; just a sliver of it. what’s yours?

love,

claire

a cliche: life is hard

hello readers.

when i was in junior high, i had an older friend and we would talk a lot about life.

i would tell her about whatever was going on inside my head and out; what was bothering me and what was hurting me.

sometimes i would go on for a while and she would sit across from me and nod her head and just look at me and say “life is hard, isn’t it?”. i would nod and go on confused as to why she wouldn’t try to console me as i have always done in conversations with friends who are struggling.

i remember that whenever i feel fed up with the succession of my life. i try to sort things out often. i want to make sense of it all more than anything because it feels better when there’s an explanation for things and you know exactly why what is happening to you is happening.

life is so hard.

for everyone.

we need to remember that because i think we always look for the good to come when we are going through hard times and i can testify to the fact that things don’t always get better right away. and sometimes it seems like one hit after another and we just wait for it to end.

i’m learning to live through it. because there will always be something for me to pull out of my mind to make me depressed or angry about my current situation. we can’t always be sad knowing that it will end and then we will be happy and then we will feel better because i am so sorry, but it may take a while.

so we do our best. we find things that remind us that we are here for a reason even though being here is rough. we keep going. we don’t put things off because we think future situations will make things easier. we don’t wait for good timing because life has the worst timing of anything.

people leave when we have already become attached to them.

things fall apart as we have just pulled them together.

we recover just barely before getting hit again.

sometimes it all happens at once.

that’s rough.

i am so sorry because life is hard, isn’t it?

but we keep going because we can’t afford to wait for it to pass.

we keep going because life doesn’t stop for anyone.

good luck.

claire.

 

happy and other thoughts.

hello readers:

have you ever felt like your “present” was permanent?

have you ever wondered why clocks tick so slow and why certain memories never leave us?

have you ever asked yourself why you were holding on to someone who let go of you a while ago?

people always say that “time heals all wounds” but it doens’t seem to fast enough.

it is true that you never know what you have until it’s gone because some days it seems like you’re comfortable and happy and maybe you even feel like whoever is in your life is the best yet.

and then life spins the table and offers us a new journey that seems exciting and rare and we look to the future while we’re still in the present and then the future comes along and we go into this gloom because we didn’t embrace people when we had them next to us. we didn’t hug and cry. didn’t take chances because there would always be another time. didn’t say things we wanted to say.

so that’s regret right?

i have decided that time goes by too fast. and i don’t like it at all.

just when i think i have a handle on things it seems like the stability comes crashing down around my face and blocks my eyes from looking forward.

i don’t know where i’m going with all of this but maybe that’s the point. i have a really hard time understanding things lately. i can’t say i know where i’m supposed to be or who i’m supposed to be there with.

i search for clarity in everything. i search for meaning. i seek the future; a fresh slate. i seek passion and opputunity.

i struggle to pull myself back in…with my head looking over my shoulder.

it always seem like there couldn’t have been someone better.

there couldn’t have been a better place or oppurtunity.

it was so good for so long and here we are now.

you convince yourself that you had it all in a single instant and it vaporized into thin air. and it’s kind of like, man where do i belong?

my mom once asked me what my definition of success was. i responded with something about just finishing highschool and then college. i paused and added “because after all that, i know i will be happy. and i will be making other people happy.”

i treat my future like i know it will be better. like one day some where out there is this perfect life full of content inside of me; so abundant it goes overflowing into other people. like one day i will know i am right where i am supposed to be and i will be happy.

but i think i’ve got it all wrong. i think i’ve got the wrong definition of happy. because happy doesn’t mean “painless”. happy doesn’t mean “complete peace”. happy doesn’t mean “perfect”. happy doesn’t mean i will have everything i ever dreamed i would and i think that’s why i’m struggling to find content. because content is happy to me. but maybe we should rewrite what “happy” is.

happy is in the struggle.

happy is finding out what is worth fighting for.

happy is leaving people because they don’t treat you how you deserve to be treated.

happy is being sad to leave people and places. because they gave you something worth missing.

happy is hope.

that someday you will meet better people.

and a few worse ones on the way.

that there’s better things ahead.

that the little things won’t matter as much to you anymore.

happy is making a promise to yourself.

that you’ll read more books and listen to happier music.

that you’ll cry sometimes, but leave it at that when it’s done.

that you’ll let people criticize you for your dreams and go for them anyways.

promise you won’t be too hard on yourself if you fail.

promise that you’ll trust people even if you have no reason to.

that you won’t close off and into the shadows.

promise that you won’t settle.

don’t settle.

“i hope when you take that jump you don’t fear the fall. hope when the water rises you’ve built a wall. hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screamin your name. hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay. i hope that you fall in love and it hurts so bad, the only way you can know is give it all you have. i hope that you don’t suffer but take the pain.”

good luck.

claire.

 

inevitable

hello readers.

goodbyes are hard and I think that’s why so many people are afraid of change.

we are constantly looking to connect with others and in most situations do so quite quickly. where we choose to spend most of our time is where we grow roots. that always happens even if we resist it at first.

moving from place to place feels as though it’s ripping those roots out and replanting them. then we eventually grow new roots but it seems like they are again ripped out. too quickly.

so maybe that’s why we’re more likely to get stuck in a rut. it’s easier and so much less painful.

becoming attached to certain people or places seems like such a doomed situation. because let’s be real, everyone either leaves or moves on at some point. nothing is permanent. it’s actually inevitable. I don’t know how to accept that.

i don’t know how to leave people and memories behind. i don’t want to have to choose to not think about them. I like my choices and I like the people and places I’ve got to know because of them. but I think after I leave one of those situations, I don’t know I become bitter for a while. because it’s like, I had to leave those people behind. I have to start over with new ones. and I want the old ones back.

say you do return to them. it can never be the same as it was before. you can only be dug up and replanted so many times.

“it’s good to have roots somewhere.” I was told once. I think my roots spread far though. across to many places and people and that can be straining on me. but like I said, change is hard. goodbyes are hard.

goodbyes are inevitable.

you’re not alone in this.

claire.

assumption.

Hello readers.

I wrote this amidst a lot going on a while ago. thought I’d post it now because I think some of you could relate. .

I am so sick of assumptions.

I am so tired of having people try to tell me who I am.

What I believe.

Whether that is right or wrong.

What my morals are.

Whether they are based on truth or lies.

What I stand for.

Whether it is shallow or worth dying for.

I’m tired of hearing that the people I spend time with are a certain way or that who I am does not fit who they are.

I’m tired of people who see me through a very public lens pretending that they know who I am.

I am more than my exterior self.

If I choose not to fight, that does not mean I cannot stand for anything.

If I choose to be quiet, I am not submissive or shy.

If I have been through hardship that does not make me weak even though it may have changed me.

My past does not define me; if it ever did I could not change it.

So do not judge me for who I am, I will not change for you.

Do not tell me if my reaction to situations is correct, I am strong enough to make my own choices.

So are you.

Do not let people who take up such a small portion of your life make you think twice about who you are.

Those people are not worth your time.

So turn around. Walk the other way. Do not explain yourself.

There is no need.

Because some people choose to be blind and judgmental because they are avoiding reality. You should not waste your time trying to convince them that they are wrong because they will not listen.

That doesn’t change the fact that it hurts. It hurts to hear people “evaluate” your worth by their assumptions. It hurts feeling like your voice can’t be heard. It hurts wanting to be accepted by certain people for reasons you don’t know and having them judge you instead.

So the next time you make an assumption about someone, think again and ask yourself: do I know them? Because you probably don’t.

claire.

the gray area.

hello readers.

i still am appalled sometimes at the society we are brought up in.

we are taught from a young age that how well we do in school is what defines the rest of our lives and whether or not we are worth anything at all.

money is a prize waved in front our faces like a tease.

relationships are only temporary and God is just a back-up plan.

i see it in the people i go to school with. tired and worn down because their parents are disappointed in themselves for marrying too soon or not attending a high class university and they are expected to change the meaning of their last name.

i see it in people in the news and who star in movies. the cost of a few drinks is worth more than their own value of life.

i see it in kids who had to grow up too fast. facing fear and uncertainty on a daily basis. from house to house, mom to dad or whoever that even is.

people who live infinitely but fear death more than anything. and then it’s over and their family has to read the letters and pay the debt literally and metaphorically and clean up the sharp pieces and the court cases and the trash and spend the rest of their life wishing they had been able to do something to fix the brokenness.

we are taught to live in such a way that leaves a legacy of secrecy and regret because after a while none of it feels good enough. nothing we can do after a while will satisfy the craving to fit into the mold the world has given us of “good enough” or “smart enough” or “stable enough”.

it’s time to get real.

because school shouldn’t leave us scared for the future.

money shouldn’t lead us to believe materialism will stuff a gap closed.

kids shouldn’t be uncomfortable in their own homes.

people shouldn’t feel like giving up is their only option.

because it never is.

we have just been taught that life is so very black and white.

it’s not.

find the gray area. your gray area.

claire.